Time to run
by Sairs J
Summary: Sam, grieving the loss of his friend looks at his relationship with Andy and makes a decision he never thought he'd make.


_This idea came to me as I rewatched season three episode nine, "Out of time", it was compounded further as I watched episode ten, "Cold comforts". The idea wouldn't leave me alone and it developed into this one shot. _

_Thanks as always to dcj who looked this over._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Rookie Blue._

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Time to run

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He stood by the hospital window, the watch that Jerry had given him that morning clasped in his hand. As he re-read the inscription on it he tried to process the thought that he wouldn't see Jerry again. Jerry was dead.

When Jerry had given him that present at the beginning of shift, he'd made a comment about giving a watch as bad luck. At the time Sam didn't give Jerry's statement a second thought. Sam had never believed in luck, whether it be good or bad. But what had happened that day had changed his mind. He'd give anything to turn back time and relive the day again. Maybe if he had given Jerry ten dollars he wouldn't be standing in the lobby of a hospital mourning the death of one of his closest friends.

He closed the lid on the watch box as if trying to close off his thoughts.

He turned to look at Andy. She was sat on one of the hospital chairs, Traci sat beside her. He could see that she was holding her friend's hand, offering her comfort as Traci's hopes and dreams of her future had disintegrated with Jerry's death.

Earlier in the day Jerry had asked him to be his best man. It was an honour he wouldn't have missed, even if it had meant overcoming his fear of flying. But now he'd never get to stand beside Jerry and watch him marry the love of his life. Another regret to add to a list that was forever getting longer and longer.

He studied Andy intently. Was she the love of his life? He had never met anyone like her before; she had crept under his skin and into his heart. He'd risked his job for her. He would do anything for her. That fact was the reason why he was going to do the one thing he never thought he would do after he had been given a chance to be happy with her.

He was going to walk away from them. From her.

He had been on the force for fourteen years; he'd grown up with Jerry, Noelle, Frank and Oliver. Together they'd graduated from the Academy and embarked on an adventure at the Fifteenth. In his line of work, he'd seen more people die than he could count. He knew cops that didn't make it. Hell, he'd had a few close calls himself. But until today he'd never lost a close friend. Someone he'd come to consider his brother and it had rocked him to his very core and made him evaluate everything in his life, every choice he'd made.

Earlier that day he'd watched his best friend's blood seep through his fingers as he desperately applied pressure to his gaping wound, praying that he would make it. But somewhere deep inside he knew that Jerry wasn't going to make it. He could see it in Jerry's eyes that he knew it too. It was a small comfort that he'd been there with Jerry, had a chance to talk to him, be there with him. At least Jerry had someone that was close to him with him in his last moments of consciousness.

Jerry had proven time and time again that he put other people before himself. He was a genuine good guy. The world would be a little darker without him. Even when Jerry was fighting for his life, he'd put Gail first. Thrusting his cell phone into his assailant's pocket, knowing that they'd be able to track Gail's position using the phone's GPS. Sam shook his head, Jerry hated that phone, had spent ages trying to figure it out. But when it mattered, he didn't use it to save himself; no he used it to save someone else.

That's what he was doing. He was going to save Andy.

He couldn't do it to her, he reasoned as he watched her shoulders shake slightly as she tried to control her crying, desperately trying to hold everything together for her friend.

He wanted to blame Andy. She had a gut feeling that it had been the bartender who'd abducted Gail. Her gut was usually right and he trusted her. The last time he hadn't trusted her, she'd almost ended up strangled to death in a storage locker. He couldn't not trust her. So he'd made a decision to support her idea. Perhaps, now after everything that had happened, it was the wrong decision. But that was something he could debate later.

He wanted to kick himself for not making the connection earlier about the taxi driver. If he had, they could have warned Jerry, gotten there sooner. If they had, would he have managed to stem Jerry's blood loss? Would it have made a difference? Would Jerry be alive now, rather than lying in the morgue? They were questions he didn't think he would ever be able to answer. The world was full of what ifs and logically he knew he shouldn't be considering that. But logic wasn't going to help him deal with the emotions he was feeling or the decision he was making.

It wasn't logical to walk away from the best thing that had happened to him. To push her away, when what he wanted to do was take comfort in her arms, offer her comfort. But he couldn't do that, he needed to make the hardest decision of his life and carry it through.

The reason he needed to stop things with Andy, was that it could so easily have been her being comforted by their friends. If they had gone to check on the taxi driver it could have been him who received the knife wound; that had battled for his life. Ultimately, it could have been he who died.

And now it would be Andy mourning.

How could he do his job knowing that he could die and leave her behind to suffer? He had always known it was a possibility. Their job was dangerous, they both accepted that. But until today it had never hit so close to home. If they continued, their relationship would get deeper and deeper. He couldn't put Andy through the pain he was witnessing Traci suffer. If he walked away now it would be painful for both of them. But they would get over it.

Eventually.

He had never run away from anything before, but he'd never felt about anyone, like he felt for Andy. It was safer for both of them for him to walk away. He hadn't needed anyone before Andy and he was sure he could find a way of living without her in the future. Just as he was sure she could find a way of living without him.

He was doing this for her, he justified. She would be better off without him.

He shook his head as he remembered her declaration of love. It had shocked him into silence for a few moments as she'd rambled on, refusing to give into silence. She had made an important step announcing her feelings. He'd yet to reciprocate, saying those three words was important although he knew that's how he felt about her. He'd felt like that about her for almost two years. But he couldn't say it, he had needed more time.

He had told himself when Andy was with Luke that if you love something enough you'll set it free. He was prepared to set her free for the second time. It was safer for everyone that way.

Sam Swarek never ran away from anything. Until today. He was going to run away from the only woman he'd truly ever loved. And he didn't think he would regret it, if he knew that she would never suffer the pain Traci was enduring. He just wanted her to be happy.

And at the end of the day that's all that mattered to him. Andy's happiness.

He turned away from Andy, back to the window, beginning to picture a life without her in it. It would be painful, but it was possible.

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The End


End file.
